Sarah Palin will be their next presidential candidate and I couldn’t be any more scared for you all.  I dont really care because I’m living under what amounts to a dictatorship here in Hell, but you all have something serious on your hands.  If you were to take the argument that a business owner would be best to run the country then why would everyone be on Sarah’s team?  She’s never run a business. Strike one I’m afraid.

Sarah Palin definitely is charismatic, but smart?  I know she looks amazing in a one-piece and according to this announcer excelled in academics…

But did she?  Did she excel in academics?  Here is a link to her High School transcripts. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/disgrasian/sarah-palin-below-average_b_133435.html

If your kid was getting grades like these would you be preparing him or her for a chance at being a president or a chance at being a stripper?  “IS THIS A CRACK PIPE IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER SARAH?” 

Those are terrible grades.  Terrible!  Still many kids do poorly in high school only to excel in college.  So where did she get into college? 

1.  Matanuska-Susitna College a junior college

2. North Idaho College a community college

3.  Hawaii Pacific University For one semester

4. University of Idaho

One of these she went to twice but I cant keep track of which one.  She went to one for a semester, then flipped to another for a couple, then back to another here and there.  Impossible to follow.  Why hasn’t been answered.  So how did she do the self-labeled “Bookworm”?  Well she wont say.  To be fair here, Joe Biden did poorly in college, well average, and John McCain did terribly, but nobody really likes either of them. 

When interviewed for the U of Idaho’s Alumni mag she said it was her love of writing and journalism that kept her motivated and powered to excel, and yet she wasn’t a member of the University paper and wasn’t published at all at the university.  Not once.  She then did get a job as a sports girl at a small news station where she did some weather.  Had she one eye in the middle of her forehead I’m sure she would have been kicked out on her ass though.  This job was based on her looks.  Hey nothing wrong with a president whose hot though is there?

News and weather girl

Now she is after the Momma Grizzlies and here is where I want you to separate how much you would like her to be at your BBQ and whether or not you would like her to invest your 401K for you.  This is a great looking, and really fun gal who does have common sense….I assume, but would she be able to run your business?  Or any business?  How did she do as Mayor of that tiny town in AK?  How did she do as Gov?  Well average on one and quit the second. 

How can I say this any clearer?  I like her and would like to hang with her, because she is charismatic.  But would I want her running my country?  Hell no.  Here is Sarah for fun on the topic of Momma Grizzlies.

Uhm...okay I'm actually Pro hunting, its mixed messages Im against

The notes on the palm of her hand when questions got tough were just too much for me. Imagine her in a negotiation with Benjamin Netanyahu, or the lunatic Mamoud Ahmadinejad.  She couldn’t even tell them where their countries are on a map, much less deal with them.

Sarah sitting on a Momma Grizzly reading from her cheat notes

This video is tough to watch. Fair warning? And its not fair against Sarah as a political candidate, just shooting tame bears, in what used to be a wildlife refuge seems a bit harsh for me.  

Syndra

are you coming…

So happy...so cute. Hell is so about to break out

Oh sure...everyone's a singer, an actor or a comedian in LA

Fifteen million dollars.  Look at that number again and ask yourself how nice your life would be with Fifteen Million dollars.  Were I to deposit $15,000,000.00 into your bank account after taxes would you feel pretty good or would you feel pissed off and want to fight?  Many have traded their living souls for money like this, or fame that leads to money like this, and those people, not ending up in the hell I live in but rather going much deeper have reason to be angry.  But to have fifteen million dollars and not a care in the world except whether to buy a soy or non-fat latte and be angry?  This is hard to swallow. 

Oksana was offered this exact amount of money.  The offer was in exchange to not release all of the tapes and to walk away from everything with her mouth shut on the topic of their personal issues.  She and Mel have a child together and there would still be a custody fight, but they could go on and date, be photographed naked on distant beaches, or film sex tapes like so many have in the past.  The sky was the limit.  So why did Oksana turn down the money and literally stop it in transit?  Revenge.

Its clear that Mel is a raging loon, but its also clear that Oksana is a manipulative bitch whose pulling his strings and pushing his buttons.  Love and heartbreak are the two most closely related emotions to hatred and fear.  More deaths can be attributed to love than all cancers combined.  Mel has gone psycho trying to hurt in equal measure someone who he allowed to hurt him. 

Remember what he gave up for her.  He gave up a stable life with a stable woman.  He gave up a family.  He gave up his last chance to die peacefully with another woman by his side loving him. He did this all for Oksana and she left. Its all his fault.  But its all her fault too.  He gambled on a heavy stakes bet giving up the bird in the hand to reach for the trampy bird with the exotic and cartoonish face and lost them both.  Her days of gambling have just begun however.

When Oksana released those tapes, or allowed them to be released losing her fifteen million dollars, she began the gamble of her life.  She is gambling that with no money of her own, a pitiful 5K a month in child support and no job or income she can fight a battle with a man whose not only certifiably crazy (at least temporarily, if not permanently) but also has bazillions of dollars ready in hand to squash her and her lawyers like bugs. 

Oksana has taken out loans, maxed her credit cards and that just gets the ball started.  She will need more than what she’s got to successfully battle this giant.  I’m not suggesting she make a deal with you know who, but it couldnt hurt right now.  If she wins I’m going to go check records. 

If you were Mel and you had joint rights to some completed music CDs that could potentially lead to income for Oksana, Cd’s that you helped create and she sang on would you grant the rights to publish them?  Would you help fund the beast whose attacking you?  No, and neither is he.  The two of them wrote and produced together a full CDs worth of tracks and he’s not signing off on the release.  He’s also not giving her the rights.  I dont blame him.  I wouldn’t either. 

This leaves Oksana in a terrible place.  She has to prove that he is not only crazy, but also beat her.  She wants more than the missing fifteen million dollars in her barren bank account and she’s willing to fight for the chance.  She’s willing to risk her future, at least the golden parachute she was offered, for a chance at destroying Mel Gibson and propelling herself to Gladiator stature and wealth. 

Her quiet and demure smile is hiding a raging beast sick with revenge.  She’s been hurt, been embarrassed and wont quit till either she or they’re both financially dead.  This is about revenge.  That is why Oksana is coming to hell.  Mel is coming because there just isn’t anywhere else to put a patented racist, anti-semitic, bigoted loon like him. 

Syndra

Are you coming…?

Its not what you think it is...

My Name is Syndra St. Claire.  I’m sorry, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but I’ve been asked to tell you this and I’m not sure if it’s going to make your life better or worse because as far as I know it’s unprecedented.  What would any of us do if we knew the exact date of our death?  What would I have done if I had known?  I don’t know.  I really don’t.  It’s just not usually an option.
 
I guess what I have is both good news and bad news so I could let you choose which you’d like to hear first but I already know the answer you’d give.  The bad news first then the good news.  Right?  It’s like everyone wants the bad first then the good.  Vegetables first then dessert.  Work a job then get paid.  Date someone then get married.  Wait, that one’s backwards I think. 
 
So just to mix things up a bit I’ll give you the good news first.  You’re going to get to meet me soon.  Trust me it’s good news.  Without me, very soon, you’d be swimming in a sea of fear, anger, and massive frustration.  To get an idea of how much frustration I’m talking about imagine this scenario. Close your eyes;

Your walking through customs alone trying to re-enter the US after a trip to Afghanistan.  You picked up on your trip not just a Mexi-tan from the blazing sun which did help you blend with the locals, but also, somehow, a pack of batteries with curly wires and a detonator.  It was slipped into your carry-on while you were taking a whiz and relieving yourself of the curried ‘chicken’ you’d eaten for breakfast.  Imagine now walking beside the X-Ray machine with your shoes off, as your bag passes through the scanner when the red lights and siren go off on the machine next to you. 

 Remember when I mentioned frustration?  This is just a taste of what you’d experience without me.  With customs officers tackling and cuffing you and your face squeeking on the polished and cold linoleum floor, it’d be the bend over and cough routine for you without the Vaseline, right?  Well my role in all of this, for you, would be to be the one who rushes in before your belt even has to come off.  Who somehow gets the attention of the lead officer and explains everything to him.  He’d laugh at my jokes while I touch his arm. He’d look at his clipboard, laugh again and then get his keys from his cluttered desk which backed up to a dirty white concrete wall.  His nearly empty coffee cup would be heavily stained and sitting on the corner of his desk next to a pile of papers with brown rings on them.  I’d then walk him over to you, give you a wink and while small talking with him watch him take your handcuffs off. 

That’s how cool I’m going to be to you.  In fact without me, things here, where you’re coming, would be a Hell of a lot worse than that.  

Syndra

are you coming…?

Nearly nude Anna Fermanova, hiding nothing in this hot bikini

James Bond double entendre just waiting to happen.

Its just rediculous how hot Russian spys are.

In you forgot, here's super hot Anna Chapman I covered with a photo spread earlier.

So lets get this clear up front.  I love the Hot spy ring that Russia has going on.  Its exciting, glamorous and so other-worldly that it makes my other-world seem mundane.  What could be more exciting that being a spy, living a double life, and getting huge checks from a foreign government while posting drunken photos on facebook?  From the photos we’ve seen of Anna Chapman and now Anna Fermanova we can tell that the recruiting officer for Russia must live a double-life himself as a porn star recruiter.  These women are sexy as Hell.

There is a huge BUT in all of this and apparently its not Anna’s.  Anna has a pretty good story, where none of the others did.  Was she a spy?  I hope so, because it makes for better stories, but my sources tell me that she has been caught in a legal net that is over-zealous after finding ten spies in a row.  I dont think she’s a spy, but rather was a fun wife who took a huge chance on her husbands friend who lives in Moscow. 

Anna, age 24, lives in Texas with her husband but was going home to visit family.  A friend of her husband asked if she would buy a very high tech, and very expensive rifle scope ($15,000)for him online and bring it with her that he could use for hunting.  And she did.  She marked out the ID number which makes things look more suspicious, because she didn’t want to attract more attention to the device.  She knew it was wrong to do what she did, she just didn’t know how wrong. 

She now faces up to ten years in prison for bringing a rifle scope into Moscow. 

Anna is coming to Hell, but not for this.  Its for the things that weren’t posted on Facebook. 

Syndra

are you coming…?

BrewDogs co-founder James Watt feels that with this beer the end has been reached and there is no point to attempt to go further.  Something his German rivals will no doubt dispute.  The creation of a 55 percent alcohol beer has never been accomplished until now and if you believe many, it wont be pushed past it. 

So why not stuff the bottles inside the body of a squirrel or rabbit and drink your conquest?  If its truly the End of History for beer, then we may as well enjoy it, and be broke doing it. 

 Keep in mind as a special inside joke you can tell your friends after they drink this dank brew infused with Scottish Highland Nettles, and juniper berries. Its bottled after its stuffed in the critters.

Here is their clever introduction video

Syndra

are you coming…?

Implants, why would you

do them?  Have you done one of the many types of implants offered already?  Breasts for sure are becoming common place, but only because the grandma down the block did hers making it ‘normal’.  Now it seems silly that you wouldn’t.  You’ve been trolling the local hotspots for years having no luck and granny gets a new pair and suddenly becomes the GILF on the block.  NO FAIR! 

I imagine that butt implants, hip implants, arms and chest will all become more normal as well but so far outside of the 90210 zip code this is still pretty freaky.  I know fake boobs feel funny, but do fake ass’s?  If people are so concerned about going to healthy stores to eat healthy, and only get the best organic foods to put in themselves, then are they considering what these plastics may do?  I’m not judging here, I love to look at hot bods but its kinda nice to know who bought it and who is simply genetically superior to me.

Here’s a before and after of a guys chest implant.  Mmmm, chests.  My favorite.  So what could $10K (or so) do for a guys chest?  I think you’ll see that this is definitely a worthwhile…..wait…

He still looks like a pus!  Twenty push ups a day for two weeks could have done this!  Where’s the bulge, the veins, the ripples?  Not to mention the arms.  This pansy is a weenie, and now he’s too broke to take you out.  What good is that? Definite failure here. 

Now this little guy got some good use out of his parents money.  Handsome little fella huh?

But what about the more extreme versions of body implants?  What about these folks who like to really freak us out with what they do to themselves?  It used to be that a green Mohawk was plenty to get the sidewalk to yourself.  Now its blah.  Mohawks use to symbolize freakiness, lawlessness and absolute pandemonium.  A man or woman crazy enough and dedicated enough to grow one, and then paint it had to be outside the bounds of normalcy so we’d leave em alone.  Now, its just cool. 

Piercings started catching on in the eighties, with little nose studs.  This alone was enough to freak out any parent and at the time get you destined for Hell. 

Now the ante has been raised.  The bar sent through the moon.  The floor dropped from any and all posers who think they can compete.  There is really nothing left after these body alterations…I hope.

3D body art?  Oh my.  We are decorating for a hellish party aren’t we?

Im gasping, and I've seen alot

Extreme body modification. This is an arm...as useful as three could be sometimes, Im not okay with this.

"Uhm, sure you can take this parking spot. I'll drive around"

The anti-pair. One has an inny the other an outty. I think I'd rather have a third boob

Syndra

….are you coming?

Above and below, stupid is as stupid does.

 What probably would surprise you the most about Hell is that things are pretty much like they are above, we work, we live and we fall in love.  Hell, at least where we are in it, is an endless extension of where we were which in itself defines Hell to most of you.  Things are very much alike with the one big exception that we cant die…again.   We can get hurt, but with time and some of the best HMOs in history we’ll heal up eventually.  Some of the deeper levels make good use of this feature by punishing those who have been especially naughty, Mel Gibson for example. 

But dip shits are above and below about the same, except here they sometimes hurt each other on purpose knowing things will eventually heal themselves.  I’m reading for you, a story of three Hellish idiots I have in front of me:

The boys lived in a part of hell called New Mexico and were out drinking one night when one of the three decided to stage a bet.  Whoever drinks the least in the next hour will be set on fire, he said.  They all agreed, because thats what idiots do, and they began drinking.  At the end of one hour one of the men, the one with a prosthetic leg (no I’m not making this up), was the loser with only 6 beers counted to his name. 

With a belch and a laugh he stuck out his leg and said go ahead set me on fire.  They did.

And he burned.  Second and third degree burns up his butt and back. 

Ripping clothes off to ease the pain once the fire was out his friends decided to drunk drive to the nearest hospital.  At some point on their short journey they got nervous about getting into trouble and instead dropped their friend off on the side of the Hwy, while he screamed in pain needing medical attention, not to mention a new prosthetic leg.

The man was eventually picked up and taken to the burn center at Las Cruces New Mexico….wait a minute.  This didn’t happen down here, this all happened up there!  This is a real story from the real New Mexico!     

I think the idiots who self mutilate down here are nut jobs, but they’ll heal.  This guy’s going to be as black and gross for the rest of his life as the Gulf of Mexico.  I’ll have to check but I dont think we have a circle in Hell for stupid people.  I’m not sure what to do with these guys. 

Syndra

are you coming…?

are you coming…?

Smallest withdrawl is 10K. Exclusive ATM for the NBA

"Wife! Im telling you this for the last time. Im not putting that window there"

"But Daddy, we buried Schmoopie under that tree we have to keep it forever"

The workers from outside Home Depot laughed all the way home. He said put in a driveway, we put in a driveway.

Outside stairwell to Libertarian offices.

Bugs Bunny had this installed to keep up with his crazy antics.

Two men would have to be really drunk or reside in San Fran to use these.

Only those with the faith to believe the ceiling isnt real may pass.

"You said you wanted a pole for Christmas to dance? There's your pole. Now dance"

"PSYCH!" Evil architect

Syndra

are you coming…?

Nichola Paginton

Porn has been around thousands of years.  No one wants to talk about it, but trillions of you have tried it or been exposed to it.  Its not new, but there’s a new way of discouraging youngsters from experimenting with it.  Tell a boy he’ll get a hairy palm, or go blind will work, and scar the kid, for a while but he’ll eventually learn the truth and go back to ‘business’.  Share with the kid the story of Nichola Paginton and you may have the solution.

Authorities ruled out foul play when they discovered the body of Nichola Paginton after receiving a phone call from her employer.  She had missed a few days at work and had not returned any phone calls.  Police discovered her body in bed, without pants, but with a laptop on top and a personal toy under the blankets. 

Coroners in Gloucestershire ruled that sexual excitement led to an arrhythmia that ultimately killed her.  The movie on her laptop is clearly the most dangerous porn ever created and as such the authorities have refused to release the title.  Release of this video clearly could spell the end of humanity with both men and women being sucked into its spell.  Reminds me of this movie.

I’ve spoken with Nichola and have helped her get settled.  She’s embarrassed beyond belief that this was the way she had to go and is a bit pissed to be honest.  I dont blame her.  She wishes she had both lived longer but also didn’t leave her parents with the burden of all press (me included) and embarrassment.  She realizes that when they arrive they can all have a good laugh about it, but in the meantime she’s keeping her head low even though she’s getting numerous offers for dates.  This last moment was not a proud one for her.

What the Hell??

Honey? You ready yet? The Andersons are waiting in the driveway.

HA! This is Cheri, she's a friend of mine who lives here in Hell. She must have come up to mess with ya' all.

Its no wonder that men think about sex every 7 seconds.

There's no way I COULD think of sex with this guy.

First slasher movie starring a gay killer.

For you girls who want your US Vets to love fishing and diapers. Dont worry, I dont judge.

Lucky Charms?

Sorry, I got nuthin'. This just blows

The 'Murca'. Its a Burca for men, because seeing their bodies turns us on too much.

If there were ever a reason to cross Charlie Chaplin with Hitler, we know now what we'd get.

Syndra

are you coming…?

If you dont know Colton Harris-Moore yet aka The Barefoot Bandit, you will soon.  A book will be made about him you wont read, followed by a movie that will go straight to cable.  At some point you’ll be on your couch surfing whats available, remember a news story or this article and click it on.  He will become someone you either cheer for or rally against.  Either way I can be sure you will have an opinion about Colton. 

Colt is a modern day John Dillinger.  A criminal whose life will end up poorly one day and maybe end entirely at the hands of the authorities, I dont have the records on him yet, but in life he is still admired by many and cheered on by many more.  His own mom was quoted as saying, as Colton maintains his second year on the run from the police “Its kinda Neat”. 

Here’s a quick background on Colton.  His father left when he was 2.  His stepfather died when he was 7 and his mom is a nut.  His first known theft was at age 10 and from that point on, his mom says, he was blamed for everything on Camano Island in Washington State where he grew up.  The police were out for him, once even taking his moms jewelry into evidence that she claims was hers. 

I dont think the jewelry was hers, and I do think he did most of what they think he did.  His mom is an enabler and has helped him through this long run.  Ultimately she is responsible just as the owner of a Pit bull that attacks a child is.  How you raise a kid is how the kid be raised. 

Two years ago he began running from a warrant and hid in the woods on the island he grew up on.  Stealing from neighborhood houses while homeowners were gone and sleeping in the woods became his MO.  Many of his thefts were done barefoot, leaving prints, giving him the clever nickname The Barefoot Bandit.

His bravado was proven when he first stole a boat to cross into Canada, returning some time later, and a plane that he later crash landed.  His mom was quoted as saying “I think [the plane thefts are] pretty gutsy, He just needs to work on his landings. I’ve also said he should take a parachute.”

Fansites have gone up on Facebook, one with over 44,000 fans and T-Shirt sales with the slogan “Momma Tried” have been sold by the thousands. 

Recently an anonymous donor offered Colton $50,ooo to turn himself in to help with his legal bills.  The money was left cold on the table.  Coltons desire to be free is truely at any price.  Fifty grand to end it all, to come clean and pay back society. To get on with a normal life wasnt enough. 

Authorities believe Colton has moved east, through Idaho, South Dakota, Nebraska, Iowa and Illinois where similar crimes were all reported.   

Last week a plane was stolen from Illinois and was found crash landed in a few feet of water in the Bahamas.  Colton has gone as far east as he can and still be in the country.  What could he be up to now?  Escape on a cruise ship maybe? Steal a cruise ship? 

I dont know, but he is not much longer for freedom.  The kid is pictured above in the self portrait, the FBI knows what he looks like, and he is six foot five.  He stands out.  Now he is in the heavily black community in the Bahamas and although there are tourists galore he’s going to struggle to stay under the radar there and he cant get off easily. 

Colton Harris-Moore.  I wish you the best in not getting yourself killed, and I hope you stay the non-violent gentle giant you seem to be right up to the day they catch you.  My greatest prediction is that you will commit suicide to stay free.  I dont have a date for you to arrive yet, but you will.  We’ll talk more soon.  Till then….

Syndra

are you coming…?

What a furry REALLY looks like...ugh.

What a furry THINKS they look like...

 What the HELL is a furry?  Here’s the official definition before I begin my snickering….

Furry fandom (also known as furrydom, fur fandom or furdom ^{[citation needed]}) refers to the fandom for fictional anthropomorphic animal characters with human personalities and characteristics.^[1] Examples of anthropomorphic attributes include exhibiting human intelligence and facial expressions, the ability to speak, walk on two legs, and wear clothes. Furry fandom is also used to refer to the community of people who gather on the Internet and at conventions.^[2][3]

Therianthropic characters that morph between human and animal form are also considered by some to be part of the genre. Even certain superheroes with animal derived powers are considered of furry interest by some fans, the general idea being a combination of human and non-human animal attributes. Furthermore, characters like Josie and the Pussycats are considered of interest to furry fandom, though they only wear costumes with animal ears and tails.^[1]

Furries are a sub-culture of people who fetish on dressing up as dogs and cats and taking the fantasy to various extremes.  None of the, to the best of my knowledge, actually get turned on by dogs or cats.  Just other people who are dressed like dogs and cats. 

Cuddling, purring and sadly barking are part of the package, so if you happen to meet one on a match.com date, be prepared.  This is not going to go away, any more than dressing up in your underwear when you’re away will.  This is a lifetime deal.  Either get hairball remover and keep it in your bathroom, or pass and go to the next date. 

Syndra

are you coming…?